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A Letter To Insecure Parent Martyrs
I’ve found this open letter to the childfree from a parent so I’ve decided to write my own. The open letter was directed at childfree people who consider their pets their children. The letter was quite nasty with an undertone of smug parental elitism.
Without further ado:
Dear Insecure Parents:
No I don’t find your newborn or toddler cute. Stop crying that wasn’t an insult, it was statement of personal opinion. I don’t believe my opinion about your child was damaging to it in anyway especially considering all it can do developmentality is drink milk, sleep and stink. Newborns are wrinkly and red, much like an over cooked potato or hot dog. That’s just how they are when they pop out. We all are and newborns don’t care about social beauty standards.
The appearance of newborns and children isn’t something I think about and unless the appearance of your child is wrapped up your sense of self worth – it’s not something you should concern yourself with either. Just because your child didn’t pop out looking like Tyra Banks or Brad Pitt that doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your ability to breed. Stop acting like someone disagreeing with you on the cuteness of your child is worse than the Zombie Apocalypse.
No I don’t want to hold it. I’m not comfortable with holding babies much like I’m not comfortable with holding a bag of flour. It’s going to be messy if I drop it. Don’t try to get me to hold it either so stop trying to quickly pass your child at me thinking I’ll take it in case it falls, I’m a scientist when something is dropped my first instinct is to run the fuck away.
Childfree people can recognise the obvious narcissistic display of “Heh. I’m so good, I got a childfree person to hold my kid. Look at how uncomfortable they are” so stop grinning while you attempt to convince me. If you persistently try to pass your child to me in a display of ego stroking I’ll get annoyed if it continues after I’ve asked you to stop. I’m not sorry for punching you in the face with an office chair. I did ask you to stop after all. No you don’t get a get-out-of-jail-free card from being yelled at for being jerk. No free passes for you simply because one of your eggs got fertilised.
Oh look the bingos have started. Let’s see how many I can get this time. Blah blah “It’s different when it’s your own” blah blah “It’s all worth it” blah blah “Childfree are selfish” blah blah “Your child could grow up to cure cancer”.
Yeah well, your child could grow up to be the next Ted Bundy. The tactics you’re using to validate your lifes choices are sad and predictable. Instead of trying to manipulate the people around you to choose the same choices you have, how about working on your insecurities regarding those choices?
Next, stop with the parental smugness and martyrdom. Choosing parenthood doesn’t mean you have martyred yourself for a cause. You’re not special when billions of people have already bred before you, for thousands of generations so stop it with the smug elitism. Just because your condom broke and abortions are out of your price range, doesn’t entitle you to a seat on the High and Mighty Pedestal of Elitist Wank Jobs.
You keep putting yourself up their though.
Newsflash: Your parenthood lifestyle was a choice as much as being childfree is. You don’t get to bitch about how hard your lifestyle is, you chose it. Probably should have thought the whole parenthood thing through – we childfree have thought it through which is why is opted out of it.
Keep these tips in mind when interacting with the childfree and we’ll be fine.
To submit your own childfree story, send your submission to email@example.com
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