Published on July 30th, 2013 | by Rayne


Self respect as a weapon against women

One thing I’ve been hearing a lot over the years is women and men telling me that I should have “self-respect”, often this statement is used in contexts such as “Look at that short skirt you’re wearing, don’t you have any self-respect?” or “You engage in BDSM or one night stands? Don’t you have any self-respect?”

It’s not until recently that I have realised what people mean when they tell me to “get some self respect”.

1. Not only do they obviously disagree with what I like or what I am doing in my life.
2. They assume that because what I’m doing would make them uncomfortable, obviously it has to make me uncomfortable. Therefore in order for me to choose to do something uncomtable, I must hate myself.

My answer to these types of people are: Fuck you, yes I have self-respect.

I’ve come to the realisation over the years that the concept of “self-respect” used in the above contexts is nothing more than a weapon used against women to police them further into oppression and to shame them into thinking that what they are doing or what they like in their life is somehow wrong.

Psychology Today has released a great article on “Self-esteem vs self-respect” and defines self-respect thusly:

“The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase self-esteem. Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don’t. With self-respect, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.”

So if self-respect in this case is considered as persons ability to accept themselves and like themselves because of who they are, the opposite of self-respect is then self-loathing. Self-loathing is defined as:

“A self-loathing person, by definition, feels essentially inadequate in some way. I say “essentially” because this is a feeling that is deeply ingrained and therefore resistant to persuasion or evidence. No matter how successful the self-loather is or how much praise he or she receives from other people, something prevents the self-loather from believing he or she has value or worth.”

By the logic of person A who tells person B “Why don’t you get some self-respect?” this implies that person A believes that on some level person B lothes themselves or at least has a level of self-loathing. By engaging in practices such as BDSM or wearing short skirts, person B must hate themselves so they punish themselves because they feel so bad. Or perhaps person A believes that person B loathes themselves because person A would only do those things if they loathed themselves.

In my case, I love BDSM and I love short skirts. I do and wear these things because they make me happy and they are a part of myself that I accept and I love doing things that make me happy. So in the real world, I do indeed have self-respect because I respect myself enough to want to be and do the things that make me happy.

However people who try to define self-respect in terms of what others can and can’t do based on their worldview then makes self-respect conditional on their terms. It’s saying that they only way to have self-respect is to do ABC rather than XYZ because ABC is what the person who is questioning your level of self-respect wants rathar than you being happy and accepting yourself.

It’s gotten to the point that everytime I hear someone say to me “Why don’t you get some self-respect?”, all I hear is “I’m going to shame you into thinking what you’re doing is wrong because I believe if you like those things, you should hate yourself and you have no value”.

It’s no wonder that eating disorders and body dissatisfaction in women and young girls are at a high of 70% in Australia, if woman and young girls can’t accept themselves, how on earth are they going to have good levels of self-esteem and feelings of value? Self-esteem is a persons ability to evaluate themselves positively and hold themselves in high regard. If a woman or a young girl can’t see themselves in a positive light, how on earth are they going to accept themselves?

They won’t. which is why utilising the concept of self-respect as tool of oppression is so useful for individuals who wish to gender police women. Oppression is all about beating women down until they submit and do what others want (in this case the patriarchal system we live in), so by shaming women into feeling bad and telling them the only way to get self-respect is to do what others want, rather than what makes them happy – we have a revolving door of generations of women who have little self esteem as a result of social conditioning and gender policing.

Remember kids: Self-respect means doing what makes you feel happy and accepting yourself. It does not mean to do things that others want you to.

If you like some of the things I say – feel free to add me to your RSS feed, comment or email me: rayne@insufferableintolerance.com. I now have a facebook page! Feel free to like my page by clicking here!

Share Button


About the Author

9 Responses to Self respect as a weapon against women

  1. kiwi_n_aussie says:

    “Self-respect means doing what makes you feel happy. It does not mean to do things that others want you to.”

    Well if you are into BDSM then being manipulated physically or psychologically to do what others want is what makes you happy, right? LOL

    Extreme BDSM is freaky and you got to question the participants sanity and you can’t deny it attracts creeps. But for the most part BDSM is a bit of fantasy, escapism, thrill – a short break from regular life.

    If some stranger said to my face I needed some self respect I would ask “Oh yeah, hows this for attitude then?” and smack them in the head.

    If it was family or friend who said it, I would laugh and tease them about something they are insecure about.

    I read your post about radfems, it is good to see other lesbian/feminists calling them out. I have to admit it has been getting to the point I think Feminism is a complete write off, hijacked by manhaters.

    You tackle controversial and interesting subjects with an original, independent perspective.

    • Rayne says:

      “Well if you are into BDSM then being manipulated physically or psychologically to do what others want is what makes you happy, right? LOL”

      If it’s a consensual BDSM relationship between you and your partner – it’s a mutual happiness. One person finds happiness in being a Domme, the other finds happiness in being a sub so it’s still doing things that bring you happiness.

      Thanks for your comments. I find them interesting and insightful.

  2. Kaye says:

    My grandmother frequently told me to wear tights beneath my short shorts to make them (boys) give me respect.

    Uh…no. I wear shorts (and tights, if I choose) because I like them and find them comfortable. I don’t care what a random boy (or girl) on the street thinks. If someone chooses not to respect me, I will choose to have nothing to do with them.

    I do not have a problem telling people off. If someone asked me if I have any self-respect because of a small piece of clothing, I’d ask them if they have any manners and etiquette.

  3. Pingback: The internet hate machine is fueled by mothers - Insufferable Intolerance Insufferable Intolerance

  4. soroka says:

    you still don’t know what self-respect really mean.

  5. Pingback: Why the prolife movement is its own worst enemy Insufferable Intolerance

  6. Pingback: I kissed someone and was told to feel shame

  7. Pingback: Why is being called a slut bad?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.

Back to Top ↑