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The 9 People Who Hate Your Childfreedom
1. Martyr-Moo Martha – She was probably a huge pain in the ass long before she spawned. Now that she has given birth, she is the ONLY person who ever did this great, earth-shattering event. Her child was a “miracle,” the 12 regularly scheduled periods before the miracle were really miscarriages that weren’t diagnosed, she had the worst pregnancy ever, the worst labor and delivery ever, and now that she has spawned, her child undoubtedly has many special needs, is ill-behaved, and goes everywhere children shouldn’t. Of course, she constantly tells everyone within earshot all of this. She gives up everything for her child and expects everyone else to give up everything for her child. She is always broke but has plenty of money to spend on fertility treatments as she is trying to conceive.
2. I-Can-Have-It-All Ida – She bought into the idea that kids were all darling cooing babies and sweet-faced toddlers who would fit seamlessly into her non-child friendly lifestyle. Now she is pissed that this wasn’t true and wants everyone else to be as miserable as she is.
3. Puritanical-Poo Patty – She expects the whole world to be G-rated. She polices the conversation all around her, lest little ears hear something they shouldn’t. Spell the S-E-X word and her head will explode, but she will talk long and loud about poop and bodily discharges; both her own and her kids’.
4. Fuck-You Fanny – She has to put up with her demon spawn, so you should not only tolerate but worship her demon spawn. If you don’t make it point to tell her how darling/adorable/perfect her child is at least 50 times an hour, you are a child-hater.
5. Had-A-Career Hattie – A combination of Martyr-Moo and I-Can-Have-It-All Ida. She used to have a high-powered career and “gave it up for the good of the child.” However, she finds motherhood to be a tedious bore but goes out of her way to tell everyone, constantly, how great it is. She often channels her energy in ways like militant breastfeeding campaigns, anti-vax rantings, frequent Facebook and Twitter updates, mommy support groups, mommy blogs and trolling child-free websites.
6. No-Life Lola – The opposite of Had-A-Career Hattie; she never did anything with her life except breed. She frequently spoke of her “dream” of being a “wife and mother” and nothing else since 3rd grade. If she went to college, it was for an MRS. May use religion as a reason to achieve nothing. Often has no opinions and gets no attention except when she is pregnant and then leverages the pending spawn frequently with words like “if you don’t (whatever) then I am going to have to restrict your access to the child.” Also a frequent claimer of “name-theft” since she named her kids 3 years before she even started having periods and actually thinks these are “her” names.
7. Oopsie Annie – She hates the kids she has now and hates being pregnant but is either too stupid to figure out how to use birth control or thinks that one more baby will seal the deal with her man of the hour who screws around and beats her.
8. I-Love-My-Sags-And-Bags Sandy – Typically these moos proudly show off the tire treads on their bellies and kid themselves that their bodies and snatches bounced back to pre-preggo state….to the point of posting photos of their sags and cooches on ShapeOfAMoo.com. Usually followed by scoffing at your figure, lack of pregnancy pouch, and that your boobs don’t hang to your knees and smirk at you, ‘Well that’ll all change WHEN you have kids’ (nah call me conceited but I like my figure and not willing to bust it up through the wringer in the name of reproducing). Also constantly hound on you to get pregnant ‘cause they want to see you fat, bloated and wearing elastic band pants.
9. Kodak Kathy – This one has the man, money and an array of domestic helpers. May as well be a co-worker, as she will probably go back to work if she worked before. Will talk endlessly about how having kids has ‘changed her life’ when in truth nothing has changed at all due to Conseula actually doing all the brat-wrangling. She lost her baby weight almost immediately thanks to the scheduled C-section with tummy tuck, followed by months of personal trainers and expensive diets delivered right to her door. Will use her child as an excuse to get out of work and other things she doesn’t want to do, which pisses everyone around her off no end, since they all know the child is nothing more than an accessory for her Kodak life. May well pack the brat off to boarding school and low about ‘missing them’. She will attempt to berate the CF into joining her, without stopping to think most people have to bring up their own children.
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