Published on January 14th, 2013 | by Rayne


Things you should never say to same-sex parents

Yesterday as I was rolling around on Facebook (cause that’s how I roll…on Facebook) I came across this status from a friend of mine:

Asking two gay men if they are worried their son will grow up to be gay is as stupid as asking a heterosexual couple if they are worried their son will grow up to be straight.

Note: This friend in question and his husband have a son. Now I just want you, dear reader, to read my friends status again and let the level of stupid sink into your brains. That’s right, someone actually asked my parent friend and his husband if they were going to be worried that their son will grow up gay. Worried. If we skip over to Merriam Webster online and type in the word “worried”, this pops up:

  1. Give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.
  2. Cause to feel anxiety or concern: “I’ve been worrying myself sick over my mother”

You guessed it, the random person who asked the question basically said “Will you be concerned or anxious that your child will turn out just like you?”. Projection much? Either this random person believes that their child growing up same sex attracted is a cause for concern therefore everyone else should be concerned or they’re just a fucking idiot. The fail is so strong with this one that I can’t articulate myself well enough to express how much fail there is, so I’m going to let Riker and Picard assist:

So today I present to Things You Should Never Say To Same Sex Parents So You Don’t Look Like A Dumbarse And End Up Mocked On My Blog (Title is a work in progress)

1. Which one of you is the mother/father?

They both are. If “father” is defined as the male parent than a male gay couple are both fathers and if “mother” is defined as the female parent than a lesbian couple are both mothers.

2. Who’s the biological mother/father?

Do people actually say this to straight couples or is it just assumed that both parents are biologically related to the child? Because straight people can use surrogates and donors as well if their reproductive organs have decided to go on strike and never work again. Also this question is quite rude to ask, it implies that the most important factor of parenting is whether the parents are genetically similar to the child.

3. Where did you get the sperm/egg?

It came out of a guy’s penis, landed mostly in a jar and put in a freezer at a sperm bank. Eggs are found at donor clinics.

4. Is the dad/mum in your child’s life?

Well I’m assuming if the sperm or egg were from anonymous donors than no. If the child was adopted or fostered and the conditions were that the birth parents had no rights to the child, again no. It’s not important whether the mum or dad is in the child’s life. You don’t say this to single parents do you?

5. What do you know about the sperm/egg donor?

Well sperm comes from a male and eggs come from a female so I’m making a wild guess that sperm donors are male and egg donors are female. Correct me if I’m wrong. Considering the amount of drunken one night stands that result in unplanned pregnancies – you should be asking single parents this question. At least donor facilities and adoption and foster agencies have background information on their donors/parents.

6. Isn’t your child confused about what to call you?

Mum and mummy, dad and daddy. Mum and Mum. Dad and Dad. It’s up to the child and what they are their parents are comfortable with. This question makes the assumption that children are easily confused and don’t know what makes them comfortable.

7. Doesn’t your child miss out on doing “dad” or “mum” things, like sport or going shopping?

This question is such a clusterfuck of gender policing and imposed gender roles, I’ve broken out into hives thinking about it. I wonder if people ask single mothers whether their child misses out on sport (because obviously a woman can’t kick a ball around a yard) and whether single fathers deprive their child of shopping time (because once a man walks into a shopping centre, they burst into flames).

8. What did you write under “Father/Mother” on your child’s birth certificate?

In case you don’t want to be rude and tell the person asking this question to go fuck themselves because it’s none of their business, tell them to go google it and research the current laws in their state surrounding same-sex parents and birth certificates.

9. Where is your child from?

Somebodies vagina. Adopting African babies doesn’t happen anymore because all the rich celebrities took them so same sex parents have to take their children from random shopping trollies. Sadly there would be some people who would believe that. Children can adopted locally or overseas, they can be fostered locally and donors can be found from donor facilities or trusted friends.

10. Are you worried your child will get teased because you’re gay?

Personally I’d be worried that your child would be teased for having such a dumbarse for a parent. Children get teased for everything, that’s no reason not to have a child. Do you tell people with disabilities to not have children because their kids may or may not get teased?

If you would like to add anything to the list or just talk about stupid questions you’ve gotten as a same-sex parent – feel free to list them in the comments section.

If you like some of the things I say – feel free to add me to your RSS feed, comment or email me: rayne@insufferableintolerance.com. I now have a facebook page! Feel free to like my page by clicking here!


About the Author

Goth. Metal music. Tea. Books. Woman-shaped nerd.

2 Responses to Things you should never say to same-sex parents

  1. Pingback: What I’ve learned as a gay person Insufferable Intolerance

  2. Pingback: Resources from queers and their friends and family Insufferable Intolerance

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